April Horoscopes; Drinks Edition
Aries: Stout. You need sustenance to keep you warm while you’re waiting for the snow to melt and the weather to warm. It’s springtime but you’re still hibernating.
Taurus: Whisky. It’s always whisky for you. You know it; don’t fight it. Just don’t overdo it like you always do.
Gemini: Gin, but not just any gin. You need a Velvet Crush this month. I know, KoolAid and Gin isn’t classy but it’s your month to slum it.
Cancer: Bloody Mary. The more extra’s the better. Seriously, if you can find a way to put a pizza in there do it.
Leo: Tequila. Doesn’t matter if it’s shots or margarita’s. It’ll remind you of spring break and vacations in sunny climes.
Virgo: Lite beer. I don’t know what’s wrong with you that you’re to be subjected to lite beer but there it is. Sorry.
Libra: Chartreuse. I know right? You’ve probably been wondering what the hell it tasted like. If you can’t handle it straight try a Green Dragon which is Chartreuse mixed with champage.
Scorpio: Vodka martini. But you’re not James Bond so stir it and make it dirty. Three olives.
Sagittarius: Boilermaker. You must hate yourself. Well if you don’t now, you probably will at the end of the month. Just take it easy and you’ll probably survive.
Capricorn: Cider. Not that fake ass ‘malt beverage’ crap either. Something good. Probably something from England. Make sure it’s cold.
Aquarius: Highball. Use decent bourbon and brewed ginger ale damn it. Don’t drink the cheap stuff.
Pisces: White Russian. Take it down a notch, chill with The Dude.